I’m a hardcore introvert, which will come as a surprise to absolutely no one who knows me. I travel, work, and play alone (bonus: sometimes even silently). I love people, but I’m best one-on-one and get quiet in crowds.
However, the internal dialogue is ridiculously intense, coming from all directions. A touch of ADD makes it hard to focus on just one strain of dialogue, too. The only reason I get anything done is because I’m so stubborn: when I’m set on something, I’ll get there. Sometimes I get stubborn about two separate courses of action that conflict, though. When I reflect on that particular strain of internal dialogue, I have to laugh at myself.
Let’s talk about the logistics of my life for a second: As I travel for a living as a leasing specialist from apartment community to apartment community, I show up on site with two suitcases to my name and have to go grocery shopping the first day. By now I’ve made a staple list to guide me because I’m done with wandering through an unfamiliar grocery store, exhausted from an early flight and starving. But the problem is, I’m also stubborn about being cheap… er, frugal. Making myself stick to the staple list is the worst sometimes.
For instance, on this trip to Florida, I got stubborn about buying ranch dressing. I eat ranch frequently enough to buy it as a substitute for butter and mayonnaise. Ranch is a great American tradition I’m proud to be a part of. But it’s three dollars a bottle every single time I get to a new city. I stood and scowled at it and couldn’t bring myself to buy it.
So naturally, every day for the past week, I’ve wished I had ranch. I’ve wasted time staring into my refrigerator at lunch wishing I had ranch. I’ve resentfully eaten A1 sauce over the chicken I cooked and felt life might not be worth living. And every day my internal dialogue has run something like this:
It’s on the staple list, you should get it.
Save money, don’t buy it.
But I always buy ranch.
But $3.59 is expensive.
But there are cheaper options.
No one likes off-brand ranch dressing!
I need to go to the store anyway.
But I have 356,548,721 other things to do.
What will I eat?
Oh yes, this yoghurt which is good for me.
Just yogurt?
Fine, I’ll eat two and go to the store tomorrow.
(An hour later) I’m hungry…
Go to the store.
They’re closed now. And you have 356,548,729 things to do because the regional manager sends emails at 9:30 p.m.
What will I eat? (Looking in fridge)
Oh, I never cooked that hamburger. Now it’s ruined and it cost $5.
That’s more than the ranch you won’t buy.
Why did I think I could go without ranch?
Just eat this cheese.
I don’t have time to go to the store tomorrow either.
This is the only reason I’m thin.
Here’s some pudding. Pudding is good.
All that sugar is making me sleepy.
What about those emails?
Tomo- (begin sleep of the dead)
It’s Sunday night and I finally went and got the darned bottle of ranch, as well as hamburger, buns and tomato. I made hamburgers on the giant gas grill by the pool at Station House and you know what? They were fantastic.
And maybe one of these days I’ll learn to be someone who doesn’t overthink, just goes to the store and buys ranch.
– The Dauntless Princess –