In January 2015, I was your typically idealistic, single college graduate, looking for a job that let me exercise my independence, challenge myself, and see as many new places as I could: a travel job. The stars somehow aligned for me. I was lucky to find a job that took me to ten states and Canada this past year! Now my suitcases are ripped to shreds, I can find coffee shops blindfolded without GPS, I have rewards accounts with airlines and car rental companies, and I feel a bit underdressed in the airport unless I’m wearing a suit. The most important thing I’ve taken away from this year, though, has nothing to do with those aspects of business travel. It’s something that’s not always fun to talk about, but I believe it’s very important to do so. I learned the most this year about loneliness.
What is loneliness? Dictionary.com defines loneliness as: “Affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressed feeling of being alone; lonesome” and “destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.” Mirriam-Webster defines loneliness as being “cut off from others.” For our purposes, so we all know what I’m talking about (a struggle sometimes, I’m aware), I’ll define loneliness as: the distress that results from discrepancies between ideal and perceived social relationships. Another close definition of loneliness is: a feeling of social disconnectedness in which a person wishes that he or she had better social relationships.
Traveling on my own, being gone six weeks at a time, proved to be one of the most intense emotional challenges I’ve ever taken on. Very few personal belongings fit in the two suitcases allowed. No one hugged me for weeks at a time. I’ve always had a thing for running away from home and I’ve always been a self-proclaimed hardcore introvert… but I began to understand why people hate flying, hate hotels, and hate travel jobs. Loneliness was real.
But as I thought about it more and more, I realized that loneliness is actually a dominant, pervasive emotion in our western culture. There are few things people crave more than social interaction and affirmation (looking at you, Facebook). Think about all the twenty-somethings with travel-intense jobs like mine, the post-graduate students studying far from home, the active duty members of the military stationed in other countries. Even more intense may be the loneliness of people who feel ordinary and invisible. Maybe they don’t know how to reach out, maybe they’re in a small pond, maybe they feel constrained by crushing student loans or their reputation or poor life choices in the past. We have to recognize that loneliness is hurting us, and too common; we have to make it something we can talk about. Otherwise, our isolation will only grow more intense.
How widespread is the issue really? According to sociologists from Duke and the University of Arizona who conducted 1,500 interviews, 1 in 4 people said they had no one with whom they could talk about their personal troubles or triumphs. If family members weren’t counted as an option, the number goes up to 1 in 2 people who feel they have no one to confide in outside their immediate family.
Loneliness needs to go. Why should we eliminate loneliness? First, it’s terrible for your health. Research shows that actual and perceived loneliness are associated with increased risk for early death. Loneliness is comparable to other well-established risk factors like obesity, smoking fifteen cigarettes a day, and alcoholism. Second, loneliness and depression are correlated. There are several views on about how loneliness and depression are related, but the effects of both can be similar and run a wide range, from anxiety and dissatisfaction to suicide. Like depression, loneliness can start small and grow if allowed to fester. We can’t give depression a foothold through unresolved loneliness OR let depression tell us loneliness is all that will ever be.
So, loneliness is epidemic – but there’s light at the end of the tunnel! Based on what I’ve learned this past year, here’s a compilation of ways we can overcome loneliness ourselves and help others do the same:
1. Acknowledgment
⭐️ If you feel lonely, admit it – at least to yourself, but preferably to someone you love and trust. If you can take this step, then you can start to process your feelings and pursue a solution. Studies show that real and perceived social isolation have the same effect on your health, so the way you feel is important! Don’t deny it!
⭐️ Be kind to yourself. Chances are, if your friend confided in you a problem or struggle, you’d be understanding, tolerant, and accepting. Treat yourself the same way.
⭐️ Keep a journal so you can articulate your feelings freely and reference the writings later. Even if it’s a few words, it’ll help.
2. Activity
⭐️ Use whatever resources you have to connect with others. Internet forums connect people of every description… Non-profits always need volunteers… Coffeeshops post community events.
⭐️ Focus on leading by example, being the friend you need others to be for you. This was especially big for me this year: as I realized how widespread the need for social interaction and affirmation was (hello, not just me!), it was easier and easier to reach out to other people.
⭐️ Focus on personal goals. Find whatever it is that lights a fire in you, and pursue it. Loneliness and boredom often go hand in hand, and engaging with the world around you will help fill your time and provide you affirmation in other ways.
⭐️ Try to raise awareness and foster discussion about the issue. Below are links to several thoughtful articles you can talk to friends about. On some days, the conversation could be simple self-therapy… on some days, you could be reaching out to someone losing their will to live.
A broader vision of community
⭐️ Finally, I think the key to changing a lonely culture is shifting our perspective to see community as a global entity rather than a local entity. We live in a global, transient world, so it makes sense that anything less than thinking of ourselves as part of the global community will feel too small and inevitably lead to feeling lonely. If we can think in terms of a meaningful global community, we’ll always have a whole world of friends and family. Yes, loneliness is epidemic. But the good news is, there’s a world out there and it has so much to teach us.
Whatever led you to read this essay, I hope it’s provided you some answers or at least some food for thought. If there’s one thing you take away, I hope it’s the realization that loneliness is a common experience. As much as social media connects us, it also serves as the main way we fake our lives, creating flawless avatars of ourselves that are always smiling, fulfilled, supported, and successful. Don’t be fooled: loneliness is the human condition. We can’t identify with being emotionally bulletproof; we can identify with humans with flaws like ours, who are more common than we realize. Until we get real about this, there’s no end to the loneliness epidemic in sight.
Bibliography:
http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/11/29/457255876/loneliness-may-warp-our-genes-and-our-immune-systems?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=2055
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/05/is-facebook-making-us-lonely/308930/
“Why Loneliness May Be the Next Big Public-Health Issue” | TIME http://time.com/3747784/loneliness-mortality/
“Loneliness in our Modern Age” http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/218134.php
“Loneliness” U Chicago http://psychology.uchicago.edu/people/faculty/cacioppo/jtcreprints/ch09.pdf
“17 Honest Google Searches That Prove You Are Not Alone”
http://www.buzzfeed.com/jarrylee/we-are-all-autocomplete#.hlj8pOW3Y3
https://www.reddit.com/r/lonely
https://www.reddit.com/r/loneliness
“Why Loneliness Is A Growing Public Health Concern — And What We Can Do About It”
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6864066
“Loneliness, Part 1: statistics : Jericho Tree”
“Balancing Loneliness and Long-Term Travel”
“Loneliness, Including Definition and Possible Causes of Loneliness”
http://www.psychologyandsociety.com/loneliness.html
“Loneliness”
J. Holt-Lunstad, T. B. Smith, M. Baker, T. Harris, D. Stephenson. Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors for Mortality: A Meta-Analytic Review. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 2015; 10 (2): 227 DOI: 10.1177/1745691614568352
“The Loneliness of American Society”
http://spectator.org/articles/59230/loneliness-american-society